When the butterflies have died…

The butterflies had died, the covenant had kicked in, the buzz was over, they were sitting at home all alone, staring at each other, they were having answers to questions they never asked,

They were starting a journey of adjusting to unknown realities they never bargained for.

Against popular opinion, I have always believed that marriage doesn’t start on the wedding day, it starts from the day man and woman meet each other and decide to walk together

I have always believed that the covenant of marriage starts after you and I say I do to each other on the wedding day, but the journey started long ago

I have also believed that you don’t suddenly become the ideal partner for another person because you said I do, No!! Rather you commit to applying yourself to becoming that ideal partner

Long ago, I had these subtle understandings, and whenever I met someone who suddenly seemed like they could be a keep, everything changed, I suddenly started hearing them at 3 different levels when they spoke.

First I listened to them physically:

I paid attention so I could understand them, for the conversation’s sake, I sought to get the meaning of their words, because communication is like an art that should be understood, enjoyed and responded to,

I wanted to understand how they listened, their pitch, their timing, their expressions, gestures and what they meant. I desired to find the method of communication they appreciated the most, their boundaries and all.

Secondly, I listened subconsciously:

I listened to the implications of what they said, and also what they were not saying. When they spoke, I listen to the values behind their words, I listened to the reason for their actions, I also listened to goal of their decisions, I checked for the love at work in them. I looked beyond their reality, because their current reality may not be the identity underneath,

Finally, I listened Spiritually:

I listened for what the Holy Spirit impressed on my heart, I listened for correlations between what I had discussed with God and what they were now saying and communicating. I also paid attention to confirmations and alignments. I took note of similarities and differences because many times your differences are as important as your similarities.

These levels of listening are all necessary for all kinds of relationships because relationships always have a tendency to grow deeper with each step, all relationships including business, family, spiritual etc.

But the focus today is marriage,

I am going to get married someday definitely, I am not called to become a eunuch.

I woke up with these thoughts straight from my bed, they were questions, questions without answers, questions no man can answer for you, questions you can’t afford to deny or lie about, questions your life depended on…

They were questions about you and your partner, so I started writing…

If I were to get married today, what will change? And what will be the effect of those changes on me and on the things I value the most?

What will I lose, what will I become?
What will I sacrifice, and what will I pick up?
What cultural switches will I need to make?

If I were to get married to this person or that person, what will that mean, what would be my new reality?

When all the hype and fanfare is over, and the wedding guests have gone home, what will I wake up to daily? Will this new reality inspire me, beyond the happy feelings and butterflies?

Do I think they have invested enough in their lives to be partners enough for the things that God has written concerning me?

Have they shown an unsupervised willingness and commitment to improving themselves along the paths that will better their interpretation and actualisation of their call and also my call as defined by God?

Do my dreams and aspirations seem alien to them? When the chips are down and I have to choose between comfort and my values, will my values be their values and my priority their priority?

Are they committed to building their value and building my value, do they have a pursuit we can achieve together, do I believe in what they are doing enough to yoke up with them?

Do they know me and my tendencies, do they know the things written about me, do they understand how they can help me become these things?

Do they know themselves enough to know who to allow into their lives as lifetime support? Do they know what God has committed to them?

Because you can’t build what you don’t know.

Do they understand the reality of the new family they are committing to, and the culture existing there, are they making a conscious effort to make your entry into their family easier?

Do they understand that poorly handled family ties can stifle the efforts you put in to love your partner properly?

Do they have the commitment and staying power to stay true to me and through with me? Through thick and thin?

Have they loved me enough to show their weaknesses and give me the true picture of what reality I would need to live with after I say I do?

When the pursuit is over,
When your home and the bond are set.
What will be next?

I realised that these questions and the answers to them would lead me to understand the kind of prayers to pray, the kind of grace to desire,

Marriage is more than physical attraction, it’s beyond the look in their eyes when they stare at you, it’s not about the 100volts of electricity that shoots out of their body when they touch you.

It’s not about high sounding words, poetry and mastery at expression, it’s not about how they work and how they walk.

It’s not about their bank account,
it’s not about their wardrobe alone,

…because everything they are, everything they know, everything they value, everything they represent, everything they uphold, everything they pursue, will either come as an aid for you or a limitation on your journey.

Are you asking yourself and yourselves the right questions? Are you talking or are you more interested in touching? May your butterflies die early…

The pictures of the omelette you had before the omelette were ready don’t make the omelette,

The eggs make the omelette.
Every marriage is as good as the two people involved.

Butterflies don’t live forever, whether they’re flying in the sky or they’re moving in your stomach, they will die one day, and the reality will set in…

At that point, you will be left with the choice you made, the answers you received, the voice you heard, the personality you choose and the work that awaits you.

Choose wisely